
Married Lovers. 




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THE 
MARRIED LOVERS 

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 



Arranged for tJie American Stage 
By HAROLD SANDER 



Copyright, 1917, by 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey Street New York City 






THE MARRIED LOVERS 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Lolius Lovecott Himself 

Selina {nee Miss Bugsby) His wife 

Mrs. Lovecott, Sr His mother 

Mrs. Bugsby His mother --in-law 

Clementina His maid-servant 

John James His man-servant 

Time. — Today. Locality. — A small city. 

Time of Playing. — Forty-five minutes. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Hat, cane and a pair of gloves for James. Photo- 
graphs for Lolius. Letters for Lolius and Selina. 



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THE MARRIED LOVERS 



Scene. — An apartment in the Lovecott house. Door 
in center of rear flat. Sofa, chairs, table with books, 
writing material, package of photographs and box 
of cigars; other ornaments and furniture as may 
be desired. DISCOVERED Lolius and Selina 
seated. 

Selina. It seems such a pity that people should get 
married and quarrel almost as soon as they get home. 
From what I can hear, George is very hot-headed and 
not the man to be scolded quietly, and his wife is a 
perfect Tartar. 

Lolius. It is reported that a legal separation is con- 
templated — at all events George has been heard to 
threaten her with it. 

Selina. How shocking. And oh! Lolius, they were 
married on the very same day as ourselves. 

Lolius. And look how happy we are ! 

Selina. What a contrast! 

Lolius. Are we not enough to make every newly mar- 
ried couple die of envy? 

Selina. To think that we have never quarreled about 
anything ! 

Lolius. Not even over the choice of furniture! 

Selina. Nor in the selection of a home! 

Lolius. Nor servants! 

Selina. Nor dinner-services! 
3 



4 The Married Lovers 

Lolius. Nor table-linen ! 

Selina. Nor window-curtains! 

Lolius. Nor window-plants! 

Selina. Not even in choosing a pussy cat! Oh Lo- 
lius! 

Lolius. Oh Selina! (They embrace) 

Selina (freeing herself). Ain't we a couple of silly 
things? 

Lolius. I dare say old maids and bachelors might 
view us in that light. I don 't ! 

Selina. I wonder if we shall always live in such a 
blissful state of harmony or if our love will wear out as 
those horribly practical people declare it invariably 
does? 

Lolius. Selina, I am surprised you should entertain 
any such notions for a moment. To do so is to cast a 
doubt upon me! If you have any misgivings as to the 
duration of your affection, say so at once. 

Selina. Oh, Lolius! How can you talk so cruelly. 
Indeed, I have every trust in myself. 

Lolius. And in me? 

Selina. In you my trust and faith are almost blind. 

Lolius. Then we will ever be trusting with each 
other. 

Selina. Yes, we will be confiding, and open in all 
things, great and small ; never letting the tongue of scan- 
dal influence the action of our lives; and when trouble 
comes, together we will lean upon one another, and bear 
the weight of woe as man and wife should, for in unity 
there is strength, and in love that strength is redoubled. 

Lolius. Hear, hear! Well done, Selina. I say, don't 
you think you could write a novel? Such a speech in 
the mouth of the heroine would make you famous. 

Selina. I prefer contentment to fame ; but you have 
reminded me that I want my library books exchanged. 
I've read this novel, at least, partly, but I don't like it. 
Altogether too dry! 

Lolius. Very well. I have to go to town and will 
get something more to your taste. 



The Married Lovers 5 

Selina. Why not let John James go? 

Lolius. In the first place because it was John James 
who brought you these, that you don't care for, and 
secondly because I have some business to transact with 
my banker — cash to draw, and a few other little mat- 
ters to arrange. (Rings bell) There are the photo- 
graphs that I brought last night — (Hands her photo- 
graphs) — you might glance over them in my absence. 

ENTER John James. 

John James. Ring, Sir? 

Lolius. Bring my hat, gloves and walking-stick — not 
the one I used this morning — the Malacca cane. 

John James. Yes, Sir. [EXIT. 

Selina. You'll not be long, will you, Lolly? 

Lolius. Oh, dear no ! There 's nothing to detain me 
that I am aware of. 

RE-ENTER John James, who places hat on Ms master's 
head and pushes stick under his arm from behind, 
then confronts him and presents gloves. 

Lolius. That is a liberty, John James ! 

John James. Indeed, Sir, I thought you called it a 
malacker cane just now, sir! 

Lolius. You misunderstand me, I say that to put my 
hat on, and to place my cane under my arm, are imperti- 
nent actions or liberties. 

John James. Oh, you don't like it! Why, sir, the 
last gent what I had the honor to serve would have 
kicked me if I didn't do everything for him, sir. Used 
to light his cigar for him, sir, scratch his head for him, 
sir, and it's a fact, sir, I had to do everything for him, 
sir. 

Lolius. Then remember for the future that I am not 
your former master but your present one, and that such 
excessive attention is not required. [EXIT. 

John James. Very well, sir. Did you speak, ma'am? 

Selina. No, but I was about to do so. Who was your 
former employer, John James? 



6 The Married Lovers 

John James. I don't suppose you'd know him. He 
was a German officer, Count Carl Von Saxwemur Sharp- 
shooter. 

Selina. What a terrible name. 

John James. Yes, ma'am; but then you see he was 
a terrible man, which made up for it. I daren 't no more 
have said ''can't" or "what for" than jump out of a 
three story window. He'd thought nothing of running 
a bayonet into my ribs or pitching me over the stair- 
railings. 

Selina. "What a terrible man. 

John James. Yes, ma 'am ; and he 'd got terrible ways, 
which made up for it. If he didn't feel extra well he'd 
blame me for it, just as if I could help it. But worst 
of all was when he took a fancy to a girl what sang in 
the opera. It turned out that all the infection was on 
his side, and she didn't care a dime for liim. One night 
I was sittin' up for him as usual, but somehow I popped 
off to sleep in the chair, and I was just dreamin' that 
someone was giving me a handsome present, when some- 
thing banged me across the ear-hole, and jumpin' up in 
a dreadful state of infusion, there I sees the "boss" 
standin' in the door-way and on the floor I spies the 
thing what had made my ear sing. (Pauses melodra- 
matically) 

Selina (breathlessly). Yes; and what was it? 

John James. What do you think? 

Selina. I've no idea. Do go on! 

John James. A diamond bracelet. 

Selina. What an eccentric man. 

John James. Yes ; but you sees he had lots of money, 
which made up for it. It seems he'd been offerin' his 
opera singer the jewelery, and because she wouldn't 
have it he comes home and gives it me — on the ear. 
That's the sort of man Count Carl Von Saxwemur 
Sharpshooter is. 

Selina. Why did you leave his service, John James? 

John James. I was just a-comin' to that. Well, I'd 
been with him for about six months when one morn- 



The Married Lovers 7 

ing (Bell heard off) There goes the bell, ma'am. 

My tale is like them what comes out in installments — 

1 "To be continued in our next." [EXIT. 

Selina. What an interesting young man that is, of 

his class, of course. Surely this can't be Lolius already. 

ENTER Mrs. Bugsby. 

Selina. Ma ! Oh, I am so glad. 

Mrs. Bugsby. My child, I am glad you are glad. I 'm 
just going to buy a few things at Robinson's, and I 
thought you might wish to purchase something. Well, 
and how are my turtledoves going on? Does he still 
continue to behave himself? 

Selina. Behave himself, indeed? Why, ma, we are 
in Elysium. There is not a moment of our lives that is 
not almost over-burdened with happiness. 

Mrs. Bugsby. That is well. Gather all the honey 
while the bees are in a good humor. (Sits) Where is 
Mr. Lovecott now? 

Selina. Gone to the library. (Mention any local 
library) 

Mrs. Bugsby. To the library? Humph! Why do 
you keep a man-servant, my dear? Nothing looks more 
fashionable than a liveried man-servant in a library. 

Selina. I know that, but Lolius has other business in 
town — private business. 

Mrs. Bugsby. So soon? 

Selina. What do you wish to insinuate, ma? 

Mrs. Bugsby. Oh ! my guileless little daughter ! Oh ! 
essence of trusting innocence! Oh! paragon of wives! 
Is it possible that you have been married a whole month 
and have not mustered either sufficient courage or curi- 
osity to get at the root of your husband's private busi- 
ness? 

Selina. You mistake me — it relates to pecuniary af- 
fairs. Lolius tells me anything and everything. 

Mrs. Bugsby. I am sorry if I am wrong ; but no one 
has suffered more by the deceitfulness, the duplicity, 



8 The Married Lovers 

and the inconstancy of man than your mother. Oh! 
my dear child, I had to watch and guard your father 
very closely. 

Selina. So I have frequently heard you say; and 
yet everyone who knew poor papa, tells me he was a 
pattern of goodness and amiability. 

Mrs. Bugsby. To the outer world he may have seemed 
so ; but you will permit me to know better. Does Lolius 
show you all his letters ? 

Selina. Yes, and in return I show him all I receive. 

Mrs. Bugsby. And, of course, you would feel injured 
if he neglected to do so? 

Selina. Certainly. There is no fear of such negli- 
gence arising. 

Mrs. Bugsby. "If you never doubt, you'll ne'er find 
out." Suppose you try an experiment by which you 
may ascertain for certain whether all his correspondence 
is submitted to you for perusal. 

Selina. I am sorry you should deem an experiment 
necessary or advisable. 

Mrs. Bugsby. If I prove in the right and you in the 
wrong you will have cause to be thankful. 

Selina. I shall never be thankful to have a husband 's 
duplicity brought home to me, tho' it might be proper 
that I should be made aware of it, were it existing. 

Mrs. Bugsby. That's a sensible girl. All you have 
to do is to write a letter to Mr. Lovecott in a disguised 
hand, and conclude it with the word "Anonymous." 
Introduce loving terms here and there, and altogether 
make it read as though coming from one of his lady ac- 
quaintances. Do you see? 

Selina. I see, but I am very hard of belief in the 
wisdom of the proceeding. Anything, however, for 
quietness. (Sits and writes letter) There, will that do? 

Mrs. Bugsby (takes letter. Reads) 

Dear Lollipop, since you permitted yourself to be 
entrapped by the artful Selina Bugsby, no doubt you 
have the leisure to repent your foolish haste. Lately, 
as you have passed our house, I have observed the air 



The Married Lovers g 

of despondency that sits so ill upon yon, and tracing the 
cause to be my refusal of your suit last summer, I have 
resolved at the cost of a hitherto unblemished name, to 
alter my decision and fly with you where you list. 
Yours always, 

Anonymous. 

Excellent. Now put it in an envelope and address it to 
your lesser-half, and I will send a messenger with it 
a little later on. He cannot then suspect you, and if 
he does not show you this letter before the night is out, 
you will know that he is not all your fancy has painted 
him. Will you go with me to Robinson's? 

Selina. I don't mind. (Aside) Oh! that I could 
assure myself that no evil will follow this experiment. 
It is now too late to withdraw, even if I would. 

[EXIT Selina and Mrs. Bugsby. 

ENTER John James. 

John James. There they go. Ah me ! what good mas- 
ters have bad mother-in-laws it's a caution. She's a 
bad 'un, if ever there wuz one, but she 's on the right side 
of her daughter, and that makes up for it. Talk about 
lord of all I surveys; ain't I, just? And now the coast 
is clear I 'm going to go in for lucksry and have a smoke. 
(Takes cigar from case on table, lights it, and lies on 
sofa with his heels in the air) This is what I call doing 
the heavy. The afternoon lounge, don't you know! oh! 
if the master could only see me now! 

ENTER Clementina. John springs up and conceals 
cigar. 

John James. Good laws ! Clemmy, how you did make 
me jump. 

Clementina. Guilty consciences alius make people 
jump at nothin'! I suppose you thought it was master. 
A very good job for you as I'm not your master, or I 



io The Married Lovers 

should want to know what you was smokin' my cigars 
for, and what you means by lyin' on my sofy with your 
heels stuck up. 

John James. 1 11 tell you what it is, Clemmy, if you 
ever have half a chance of gettin' on my track you don't 
miss it, I can notice that much. 

Clementina. When I says anything, John James, 
it's for your good, and you know it. 

John James. It is master's cigars that's troublin' 
you? 

Clementina. To tell the truth, it is. It's not right 
that you should use things what don't belong to you. 

John James. Ain't it, now? Then, what about the 
piece of steak that you took home to yer mother last 
Sunday afternoon, eh? 

Clementina (after a pause). That piece, as you calls 
it, was only half-a-pound. And — and — besides, missus 
give it me! 

John James. Did she really? Then I'll ask her 
whether she did or not when she comes in. 

Clementina. No, John James, don't, don't ask her 
— because — because 

John James. Because she never gave it to you at all. 
But look here, I don't want to be hard on you, 'spesh'lly 
as you seems to be in a penitentiary mood, and I'll not 
only forgive you for your slang, but I '11 promise to keep 
my mouth shut. 

Clementina. Yes know, John James, it's not as my 
principle's bad, but I'm natterally charitable. 

John James. So you just slips a piece of what's 
goin' under your arm, when no one's lookin', and does 
a little act of charity. Just so. And very proper, too ! 
I've no objection as long as you don't interfere with 
my little charities, d'ye see? 

Clementina. Well, I alius did take you for a right- 
down straight-up sensible young man, and 

John James. And I alius took you for a very nice 
lookin' young woman! 

Clementina. Laws. Did you, though? 



The Married Lovers n 

John James. I did so. Why, you only wants a new 
pair of eyes, and your hair frizzled on your forrid, and 
you 'd be taken for a real live perf essional beauty. 

Clementina. Go on ! You 're tryin ' to blarney me a 
bit. Oh ! you men. You unconstant — deceitful — wicked 
men ! You 're all base flatterers. 

John James. You doubts my distensions, does you? 
Now look here, Clemmy, I have had my eye on you ever 
mnce we came to serve Mr. Lovecott. 

Clementina. I thinks you must have had, or else 
you'd never had seen me take my mother that bit of 



John James. Now, don't be sourcaustic! I hates 
slatire and riddlecule. . . . S 'help me ! I 'm real earn- 
est. 

Clementina. In earnest, indeed ! What about ? 

John James. What do you say to us two gittin' 
spliced ? 

Clementina. Spliced ! ! Oh, John James ! What did 
you say that word so sudden for. I shall go in high- 
striks. Oh, dear — catch me, John James 

John James. Not if I knows it. Look out; here 
comes Missus! 

Clementina (recovering suddenly). Where, where? 
Oh, Heavings! and I've all the back room windies to 
clean and the dinner to look after. 

John James. Hello! What about the highstrikes? 

Clementina. Is Missus comin' really? 

John James. Not she. Now be sensible and let 's have 
no faintin' humbug. What do you say to my proposal? 

Clementina. Say! What can I say? 

John James (placing Ms arm round Tier). Say 
"yes-" 

Clementina. I don't know how. 

John James. Go on, and no chaff. Say "yes" and 
have done with it. (Ring heard off) There now. It's 
too late and I shall never ask you again. [EXIT. 

Clementina. And p'raps that's the last offer I shall 
have. [EXIT. 



The Married Lovers 



ENTER Lolius with books, and Mrs. Lovecott, $r. 

Lolius. It was indeed strange that I should meet you, 
especially as your love for the country precludes us the 
opportunity of seeing you often. When I come to think 
of it ; this is your first visit to the home of your daugh- 
ter-in-law. Well, and how do you like our crib 1 

Mrs. Lovecott. Oh! the place is all right. Rather 
namby-pambily furnished. 

Lolius. Selina chose the furniture, mother. Does it 
not meet your taste ? 

Mrs. Lovecott. I should think it didn't! These 
chairs will all drop to bits in six months. But what can 
we expect from such a fly-away, giddy girl as Selina? 

Lolius. Please remember that you are speaking of 
my wife — not Miss Bugsby, but Mrs. Lovecott. 

Mrs. Lovecott. There you go ! Of course I must seal 
my mouth. Next thing I suppose I shall have to fold 
my arms, put my feet together, toe the line, keep my 
head up, eyes straight, and all the rest of it. I, who 
have had all the trouble of bringing you up — who have 
educated you and made you what you are — must see 
you ruined without a protest. Had Selina called me 
all the wicked old sinners and hypocrites extant, I sup- 
pose you would have kissed her and said "hear, hear." 

Lolius. Nonsense, mother. Did you ever know me 
to uphold anyone against you. Selina has never uttered 
your name disrespectfully that / know of. 

Mrs. Lovecott. Perhaps she never mentions it at all, 
and that 's as bad every bit ! Where is she now ? 

Lolius. I will enquire. (Rings bell) Most probably 
in the garden. (ENTER John James) Where is Mrs. 
Lovecott ? 

John James. Gone out, sir, with Mrs. Bugsby. Said 
she'd be back soon, sir. 

Lolius. That will do. [EXIT John James. 

Mrs. Lovecott. Gone out — with her — mother. A fine 
how-d'ye-do. What does her mother want here! 



The Married Lovers 13 

Lolius. Mrs. Bugsby might ask Selina the same 
question with respect to you. 

Mrs. Lovecott. Might she? But I don't come teach- 
ing you how to spend her daughter's money, because 
she has none to spend. Mark my words, Mrs. Bugsby 
will some day try to take the reins in hand here. 

Lolius. That she never will. Neither my mother- 
in-law nor Selina 's shall ever live beneath the same roof 
as ourselves. 

Mrs. Lovecott. Don't alarm yourself, Lolius, I shall 
never attempt it unless Mrs. Bugsby does. If she comes, 
I come too. They shall not domineer over you and hold 
all the court-cards in their hands, if I know it ! if they 
want to play their games it shall be all fours or nothing. 

Lolius. My dear mother, you are exciting yourself 
over impossibilities. 

Mrs. Lovecott. Lolius, I know you — none better. 
In the hands of women you are like new-made butter. 
They can mould you into any shape they like. You are 
so soft. 

Lolius. I hope you don't mean Tiere. (Taps fore- 
head) 

Mrs. Lovecott. In heart I mean. That reminds me 
— are you sure about Selina 's heart? 

Lolius. Do I doubt the existence of the world? — 
the stars? — my senses of sight, hearing or touch? No! 
— Neither do I doubt Selina ! 

Mrs. Lovecott. Don't be too sure. Recollect what 
everybody said about her flirting with the drum-major 
before she ever saw you. 

Lolius. What, drum-major Bangor ! Why, she often 
laughs over the eccentricities of the fellow — ridicules 
him, in fact. 

Mrs. Lovecott. Women often laugh when they wish 
to disguise a deeper feeling — women are a false lot, they 
always were and are yet. 

Lolius. You speak as though you were not a woman 
yourself, mother. 

Mrs. Lovecott. My son, I am an exception ! 



14 The Married Lovers 

Lolius. Doubtless, mother, but not the only excep- 
tion. I claim that distinction for Selina. 

Mrs. Lovecott. I've said as much as I intend to do. 

Lolius (reflectively). Selina false? Drum-major 
Bangor? Mother, I will test the truth of your sus- 
picions. 

Mrs. Lovecott, I suspect nothing. (Rises) 

Lolius. Stay. I have a plan. Selina and I have 
made an arrangement to show to each other all letters 
that arrive from any source. If she received a letter 
from this drum-major — and still harbored an affection 
for him — she would not tender it for my perusal. (Sits 
and writes) There, you will see, I have disguised my 
hand-writing. (Gives Tier the letter) 

Mrs. Lovecott (reads). 

Dearest, fairest, sweetest, 

Behold a drum-major at your tiny feet! Behold in 
thy hands a heart riddled by the lightning shot of thine 
eyes. That you love me still I believe, and that I am 
infatuated I protest. Doubtless you have discovered 
your mistake by this — doubtless the glamourous scales 
have fallen from your eyes by now. Say if and where 
I may meet you once again. — Yours ever, 

The Old Love. 

Lolius. All that is now required is your assistance 
in delivering this to Selina. Will you put it in our let- 
ter-box in half an hour from now? 

Mrs. Lovecott. Willingly. I can drop it in on my 
way back to town. (Going) 

Lolius. Stay, I will go with you to the door. 

[EXEUNT both. 

RE-ENTER Lolius with Selina after short interval. 

Selina. Was not that your mother, Lolius? 

Lolius. It was. I suppose your mother has been 
here. Strange they should both call on one day. 

Selina. Did you get the books ? Oh ! I see they are 
here. (Looking at title) "Fair but False!" 






The Married Lovers 15 

Lolius. How do you like the title ? 

Selina. It sounds well. 

Lolius. Well? 

Selina. I mean interesting. 

Lolius {aside). What folly! I am letting my moth- 
er's suspicions poison my thoughts. 

Selina. What is the matter with you, Lolius? You 
seem harassed. 

Lolius. Do I ? I suppose it is my headache. 

Selina. Shall I bring my smelling bottle — or would 
you like your temples bathed with toilet vinegar? 

Lolius. No thanks. I shall be all right soon. 

Selina (aside). He never refused my attentions be- 
fore! Can my mother's words be true? 

ENTER John James with two letters. 

John James. Letter for you, sir, and one for you, 
ma'am! [EXIT. 

Lolius (aside). Now for the grand secret. She has 
my letter. 

Selina (aside). The fatal missive is in his hands. 
(TJtey sit as far from each otJier as possible, back td 
back, and open letters) 

Lolius (reads aside) 

"POPPLETA CLUB. 

With some difficulty we have discovered your new 
address; kindly forward cheque in payment of enclosed 
account. 

To half-dozen pints of champagne $18.00, consumed 
on the night of 23rd Feby. last." 

I think Selina had better not see this. She does not 
know that I used to attend a club, and then it looks so 
extravagant. (Pockets note and watches Selina) 

Selina (reads) 

"You are requested to pay the enclosed bill without 
further delay. 

To dyeing one head of hair from red to brown, $5.00. ' ' 

Perhaps it were best not to let Lolius into the little 



i6 



The Married Lovers 



secret of my hair's original color. He will love me 
none the more. (She pockets note) 

Lolius (aside). My mother was right. She does love 
the drum-major. 

Selina (aside). Ah! he has concealed my letter. 
Then he does care for someone else. He fancies he 
knows the writer, and will 

Lolius. Selina, darling, you have not shown me your 
letter. Come, you know the compact. 

Selina. I do, sir. Do you? 

Oh! you refer to this thing? (Producing 



Lolius. 
letter) 

Selina. 

Lolius. 
to read. 

Selina. 

Lolius. 

Selina. 
to read. 

Lolius. 

Selina. 

Lolius. 

Selina. 

Lolius. 

Selina. 

Lolius. 



I do. 
My dear, 



it is something you wouldn't care 
(Producing letter) 



And you refer to this. 

Most decidedly. 

My dear, it is something you would not care 



May I enquire the writer's name? 

May I enquire the writer's name? 

How dare you mock me? 

How dare you mock me? 

I suspect you, madam. 

Ditto, sir! 

Until I see that note — until you expose what 
I suspect to be an infamous epistle from one of your old 
flames, I shall believe you to be iriconstant. 
Selina. The same to you, sir. 

You really think that that is the nature of 

See, Selina, I swear 

Probably, sir, when out of my presence. 

I swear there is nothing of interest in my 



Lolius. 
my letter. 

Selina. 

Lolius. 
letter. 

Selina. 

Lolius. 

Selina. 

Lolius. 



As I am equally positive there is less in mine. 
You are departing from the truth, Selina. 
Thank you, sir; so are you. 
I see I shall have to go to extremes against 



my will, Selina. I know the contents of that letter! 



The Married Lovers 17 

Selina. And I, sir, know the contents of that letter. 

Lolius (aside). She knows about my champagne 
bill? 

Selina (aside). He knows about my hair-dyeing ac- 
count ? 

Lolius and Selina (together) . Horrors! 

ENTER John James with two letters. 

John James. Letter for you, sir, and one for you, 
ma'am. (They sit and open letters. A pause) 

Selina. Thank you, Mr. Lovecott; but I am not so 
easily deceived. (Rises) 

Lolius. Nor I, madam. This is your handwriting 
slightly disguised. (Rises) 

Selina. And this is yours, sir. 

Lolius. I know your small t's and capital M's. 

Selina. And these are your small r 's and capital L 's. 

Lolius. So you thought to catch me by such a simple 
ruse as this. 

Selina. "What a pair of geese we are ! 

Lolius. Suppose we burn this nonsense and never 
mention the subject again. 

Selina. With all my heart. But what about the other 
letter? Is that a love letter, too? 

Lolius. No, on my word of honor. Is yours? 

Selina. Indeed it isn't. Mine is a bill. 

Lolius. So is mine. Strange coincidence ! Here, you 
can look at it. 

Selina. And here is mine. (They exchange bills) 

Lolius. Oh! is this all? What do I care whether 
your hair is red, green, or a bright crimson, so long as 
we're happy. 

Selina. As for the champagne account, I like it. 

Lolius. What, the champagne? 

Selina. No, the bill ; for it proves you have done with 
the extravagance of clubs, or they would not dun you 
for the money. 

Lolius. I feel myself again! Oh, Selina! 



18 The Married Lovers 

Selina. Oh! Lolius! (Tliey embrace) 
ENTER Mrs. Lovecott, Sr., and Mrs. Bugsby. 

Mrs. Bugsby. Hey dey ! 

Mrs. Lovecott. Well, I never! 

Lolius. What, mother, back again? 

Selina. Oh! ma, we are so happy. 

Mrs. Bugsby. Very glad to hear it. 

Mrs. Lovecott. My dear boy, it seems as if every- 
thing and everybody were coming to their senses. I 
put your letter in the box, and was just walking away 
when I saw Mrs. Bugsby coming down the street to- 
wards this house. So thinks I, 1 11 watch her ; and there, 
if she didn't put a letter in the box, too. I went up 
to her and asked her what she was dropping letters in 
my son's box for, and then we got explaining things. 
I find out Mrs. Bugsby is an admirable woman — one 
after my own heart. 

ENTER John James and Clementina. 

Clementina. Please sir, please ma'am! 

John James. Shut up. If you please, Mr. Love- 
cott 

Clementina. John James and me, sir ; we were think- 
ing 

John James. Be quiet, Clemmy. Why can't you let 
me speak? You see, sir, it's this way. Clemmy and me 
have been talkin' the matter over, and we've come to 
the exclusion that we can't do better than 

Clemmy. It 's not me so much as John James, ma 'am, 
that came to that exclusion. 

Lolius. I see. You've been arranging a matrimonial 
event of the future. 

John James. Eggackerly, sir; and it's to come off 
next Sunday week. 

Lolius (laughingly). You couldn't do better; but it 
is to be hoped that you will not write decoy letters. 

Curtain. 



FARCES 



TANGLES 

Farce in One Act. Four Males, Tivo Females 
Bi C. Leona Dalrymplh 
One interior scene. Bill Tracy accepts Mrs. Janeway's invitation to 
dinner, intended for his cousin, Phil. Tracy, who is Jack Janeway's 
ehum. Elsie, her maid, advertised for a husband under the soubriquet 
Of " Bright Byes." Jenkins, Bill's valet, answers it as X. Y. Z. The 
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Plays forty-five minutes. 

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A NIGHT IN TAPPAN 

Farce in One Act. Two Males, Three Females 

By O. B. Dubois 

One interior scene. The action commences at 10 : 45 p. m., on ths 

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of Mr. Augustus Betts, while Mrs. Augustus Betts is awaiting her 

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the new arrivals, are screamingly bewildering. Plays about thirty 

minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

KISSING THE WRONG GIRL 

Farce in One Act. One Male, Ttvo Females 
By W. C. Pakker 
No scenery needed. It is the case of a " cheeky " book-agent, two 
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number of ridiculous situations, that will keep the audience in a con- 
tinuous roar of laughter. The piece can be played either " straight " 
or with specialties. Plays about thirty minutes. 
PRICE 15 CENTS 

THE NEW REPORTER 

Farce in One Act. Six Males, Two Females 
By Franklin Johnston 
One interior scene. Hobbs, the proprietor of a newspaper, is 
expecting a new reporter, whom he has engaged on trial. Nancy, 
Hobbs' daughter, persuades her lover, Jack, who is unknown to her 
father, to personify the new reporter, and gets to work. The blunders 
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PRICE 15 CENTS 

MA'S NEW BOARDERS 

Farce in One Act. Four Males, Four Females 

By W. C. Parker 

No scenery required. Mrs. Holdtight leaves her boarding-house in 

her daughter's charge. Prof. Alto-Gether calls a rehearsal of tW { 

village choir, but gives them the wrong address. The choir turns vy 

at Mrs. H.'s, and are mistaken for new boarders. Then follows a* 

uproarious series of incidents that end in the Professor's round-u^ 

Can be played " straight " or with specialties. Excellent chance for 

Single or double quartette. Plays thirty minutes. 

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FARCES 



SURPRISES 

Farce in One Act. Two Males, Three Females 
By C. Leona Dalrymple 
One Interior scene. On the anniversary of Ruth's wedding day her 
mother arrives, unannounced, as a surprise for her. Her husband 
plans to surprise her with the present of an Angora cat. The maid- 
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in both cases is unexpectedly surprising, and an imminent catastrophe 
is finally and most surprisingly averted. Plays thirty minutes. 
PRICE 15 CENTS 

A BACHELOR'S BABY 

Farce in One Act. Two Males, Two Females 

By Katharine Kavanaugh 

One Interior scene. An exceedingly comical sketch, depicting 

the woes of a struggling artist, on whose hands a baby is left while 

he is at the station awaiting his fiancee. Full of action from start 

to finish. Sure to be a success. Plays about thirty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

RELATIONS 

Farce in One Act. Three Males, One Female 
By George M. Rosener 
One interior scene. An inimitable sketch, full of rapid repartee 
and rollicking " Situations." Billie is a whole team in himself ; his 
uncle and brother-in-law force the fun, but Billie comes out on top. 
The action is unflagging and irresistibly funny. Plays about twenty 
minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

TOO MANY HUSBANDS 

Farce in Two Acts. Eight Males, Four Females 
By Anthony E. Wills 
One interior scene. Arthur Maitland, living with Harry and 
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upon the plea of being married. The colonel requests a picture of 
the supposed wife, and Arthur, not having any ready at hand, for- 
wards that of Milly, without her knowledge. He thereupon suddenly 
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Milly. After much persuasion Milly undertakes to assume for the 
few hours the character of Arthur's wife. The colonel arrives, and 
thereupon follows a series of situations, complications and climaxes, 
which make this farce one of the most laughable. All the charac- 
ters are good and strongly contrasted. Plays two hours. 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

A WHITE SHAWL 

Farce in Two Acts. Three Males, Three Females 
By C. Leona Dalrymple 
One interior scene. Costumes modern. A cleverly arranged " Com- 
edy of Errors," in which an elderly doctor's attempt at wooing a 
young girl already engaged — an old maid's efforts to secure a mate 
— and the strategy of two young men to defeat the doctor's aims all 
result in getting things tangled up in the most ludicrous manner. 
Woman's wit and a white shawl set matters right at last. Plays one 
and a half hours. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 




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